The Letter Z Read online

  I’m definitely done talkin’. Besides Zach, I haven’t wanted anyone this much in a long time. I pull his shirt off and push him roughly back onto the bed. He looks up at me in surprise, and I can tell he likes it that I’m bein’ more aggressive now. I climb on top of him. I can’t decide where to touch him first. He’s skinnier than Zach—skinny like me. Our bodies are almost identical, really. We could be brothers. His skin is beautiful, just a little bit lighter than my own, and there’s no hair on his chest at all. I run my hands down his sides and over his soft stomach. He wraps his legs around me and grinds against me, and I lock my mouth over one of his nipples. He moans and his fingers go into my hair. That’s okay for now.

  We grind together while I tease first one nipple, then the other. He tries to reach for my groin again, but I push his hands away and hold his arms down. He definitely likes that. His eyes close, and he moans and arches against me.

  I move lower on him and unbutton his pants. He lifts his hips so I can slide them down. I’m surprised to find that he has no pubic hair. He’s shaved totally clean. Never been with anyone who shaved before, and it’s crazy sexy. He even smells different from other guys. Not musky.

  Something sweeter and cleaner. Holy fuck, it’s hot. I spend a long time just runnin’ my hands and my tongue all over that smooth skin. I especially like the way it feels to suck his smooth sac into my mouth. He’s breathin’ hard, moanin’ softly, his fingers in my hair. I push his hands away. “Don’t touch my head while I’m doin’ it.”

  “Sure thing, sugar,” and his hands go to my shoulders.

  I circle his head once with my tongue first before sliding down his length, sucking him in all the way. His breath catches. He puts his arms out to the sides and grabs hold of the sheets and his back arches toward me. I think for a second he’s gonna come already. But then he gasps out,

  “Oh my God, you’re good.” He doesn’t talk any more after that, but I’m glad there’s music playin’ in the other room, ’cause he’s not exactly bein’ quiet either.

  Not even gonna try to guess how many blowjobs I’ve given over the years, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never given one like this. I’m all over him.

  My hands are grippin’ his ass, helpin’ him thrust deeper into my mouth.

  My fingers are slidin’ up and down his crack. I’m so turned on, I’m not sure he’s even gonna need to touch me. I could easily climax just by grindin’ against the bed while I suck him off. Probably would, too, if I didn’t still have my pants on.

  I finally feel his muscles start to clench, and he moans out, “Fair warning, sugar.” I actually laugh a little at that, which isn’t easy with a guy’s cock halfway down your throat. He cries out when he comes, and I let him stay deep in my throat until he’s done.

  Afterward, I move up so I can look down into his face. His eyes are half-closed, and he grins lazily up at me. “Can I kiss you now?” he asks.

  “No.”

  He shrugs a little. He trails his fingers down my chest, into my pants, and he wraps his hand around my cock. “You want the same thing?” he asks quietly, and his grip on me tightens. “Or would you rather fuck me?”

  Just the thought of getting’ him on his knees in front of me makes my breath catch in my throat, and my erection jumps a little in his hand. He smiles at me. “I was hoping that would be your answer.”

  I stand up so he can get his pants off the rest of the way. I don’t take my pants off. Just push them down enough to be out of the way. I put on one of the condoms and spread some lube on myself. He gets on his hands and knees and looks back at me over his shoulder.

  I gotta admit, pretty much all rational thought leaves my brain at that moment. I’m just lookin’ at his ass, right in front of me, like an offering.

  I’m afraid to touch him. I know I’m gonna lose control.

  “What are you waiting for?”

  My mouth is dry, and I try to lick my lips. “Not sure I can be gentle,” I say, and it doesn’t even sound like my voice. Can’t believe I want him this much.

  “No need to be, sugar,” he says, and there’s laughter in his voice. He winks at me. “I’m not as fragile as I look.” He wiggles his ass at me teasingly. I grab his hips, push against him. That first moment when I push past his rim almost undoes me. He leans back into me, pushing down all the way. I stop there, buried to the hilt in him, just reveling in that amazing tightness around my cock.

  “Do it!” he hisses at me, and the last bit of my control goes up in smoke. Before I know it, I’m drivin’ into him fast and hard, and he’s givin’ back as good as I’m givin’. He’s panting hard. Our skin is slappin’ together, and the bed is creakin’, and I don’t care if the whole fuckin’ world knows what’s goin’ on right now. I know he’s gonna be sore tomorrow, and he’s probably gonna have bruises on his hips where I’m holdin’ onto him, but I can’t do anything to stop. Somethin’ ’bout him just makes me wild. I think ’bout how it felt to go down on him. All that smooth hairless skin, and the way he smelled, and that’s it. I lose it then, hold him down tight against me while I come.

  When I’m done, he pulls away. He flops down on his back and smiles up at me. I lay down next to him, not touchin’, and we both just work on breathin’ regular again.

  After a minute, he say, “I still don’t know your name.”

  ’Course one of my rules is to never tell them my name, but this seems different somehow. “Angelo.”

  “Angelo.” He sighs. “I better get out of here. Jared’s big bad boyfriend will rip my legs off if he finds me in his bed. I don’t think it will matter who I’m here with.”

  I have a feelin’ he’s right. And I don’t even want to think ’bout what Matt will say to me. I stand up, hold a hand out to him and help him up.

  We get dressed in silence. I follow him to the door. He starts to open it, then suddenly closes it again and turns around to look at me.

  “It’s gone now, isn’t it?” he says in surprise.

  “What’s gone?”

  “All that tension. I haven’t wanted anyone so much in a long time.

  But now,” he shrugs, “it’s over.”

  He’s right. Whatever I felt with him is already fadin’—like a match that flares bright at first, but goes out too soon. Now he just seems like any other guy. Like we could hang out forever and never fuck again. “Guess so,” I say.

  He smiles a little. “Your boyfriend must be a pretty smart guy.” He puts his hand on my arm. “Take care, Angelo.” And then he leaves. Goes back to the party. I see him walk up to Jared, and Jared glances back at me, lookin’ like he wants to punch me.

  I don’t care. I don’t gotta worry ’bout what Jared thinks.

  I see Zach as soon as I walk back into the kitchen. He’s leanin’ against the sink, talkin’ to Lizzy. His eyes land on me the minute I come into the room. They’re curious, but nothing more. Not angry. Not jealous.

  Not sad. That’s good, ’cause I can’t take it back now, and I don’t know what I would’ve done if he freaked out on me.

  I stop and get a soda out of the fridge and drink half of it all at once.

  I won’t go to him with Cole’s taste still on my tongue. Then I turn to face him, and he smiles at me.

  I step up to him and lean against him. His body is so safe and familiar. I run my hands up his chest, kiss his jaw. He shivers a little, then relaxes and puts his arms around me. All I want now is him. Don’t know if it makes sense, but right at this moment, I want him more than ever. If we were alone, I’d already be undressin’ him.

  I put my arms around his waist and have to stand on my toes to whisper in his ear, “How’d you get so smart?”

  He laughs. “I’m not sure I am. Jared spent the last twenty minutes telling me what a fool I am.”

  I look into his eyes and say, “He’s wrong.”

  “You think so?”

  I nod. “I know so.”

  He smiles down at me, and my hands are startin’ to wander ov
er him. Know there’s all kinds of people ’round to see, but I don’t care. I put one hand on the back of his head and pull him down to kiss me. I love the way his tongue moves over my bottom lip, and the way one of his hands slides up my spine to the back of my neck. I love that it’s familiar. I know he’s gonna do it, but it still turns me on every time. That’s the way it should be.

  “Zach,” I say, while his lips are still against mine. “Take me home.”

  He pulls back just a little, and now he does look worried. “Is this because you feel guilty?” he asks quietly.

  I shake my head. “No.” And it’s the truth. Maybe I should feel guilty, but I don’t. I take a deep breath, make myself look into his eyes and say those words. They usually catch in my throat, but tonight, it’s easier than it’s ever been. “’Cause I love you, Zach.” The light and happiness in his eyes when I say it is worth everything. “Can’t even tell you how much.” I kiss him again. “Take me home, and I’ll show you instead.”

  He smiles down at me. “Okay.”

  I was worried the drive home would be weird, but it’s not. When we get there, I take him back in the bedroom. We undress each other, and then I put my arms around him and say, “Make love to me, Zach.”

  He smiles. “Anything you want, angel.”

  He pushes me back on the bed. We don’t hurry. He touches me everywhere, kisses my stomach and my chest and my neck. Then one hand slides down my back, over my ass, and his fingers push against my rim.

  And suddenly he stops. He pulls back and looks down at me in surprise. “You didn’t…?” He lets the question trail away, but I know what he’s askin’. I always bottom with Zach, not ’cause that’s what he expects, but ’cause that’s what I like best with him. It’s the most intimate thing in the world. It’s when I feel closest to him. I’m not surprised he assumed that’s what I’d done with Cole too.

  “You’re the only one in a long time, Zach. Almost five years.” I pull his head down and kiss him, my arms tight around his neck. I trace my tongue over his lips. “This, too, Zach,” I say, with my lips still touching his. “Only you.”

  And I can see in his eyes that it means a lot to him. He takes one of my hands and kisses my palm. “I love you so much, Angelo.”

  “That ’specially, Zach. Only you. Ever.”

  “I know.”

  “We’re okay, right? You and me?”

  He smiles down at me. “Angelo, we’re absolutely perfect.” And then he proves it.

  TWO months later, Zach and I are in our dinin’ room, workin’ on a puzzle. It’s what we do most nights after dinner. I have a beer, and Zach has a glass of wine. We turn on some music—we have this completely ridiculous playlist we made special, half his music and half mine, and if you thought Asa and Cocoon couldn’t live next to Pantera and KoRn on an MP3 player, I guess Zach and I are here to prove you wrong. And if it happens that I actually know every single word of half of Ellis’s songs, I’m not admittin’ it to Zach, any more than he’ll admit to me that he listens to my Green Day CD when he’s cleanin’ the house. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way we are.

  So we’re sittin’ there like always workin’ the puzzle together when Matt and Jared show up. We haven’t seen ’em in a few days, and I’m happy to see Matt. I’m not so happy to see Jared. My encounter with Cole didn’t change anything between me and Zach at all, but it definitely fucked up my friendship with Jared. It’s not like he’s an asshole or anything. Not really. But somehow he’s a little more uptight with me now, and the smiles he gives me aren’t quite so genuine. I try to pretend like nothin’ happened; like I don’t know that he’s still a little bit pissed. But even now, after two fuckin’ months, things between us are weird. I know it annoys Zach and confuses and Matt, who has no clue what went down, but I don’t know how to make it right.

  They come inside, and Zach comes out of the kitchen with beers for both of ’em, and we all sit down in the livin’ room. I can tell Jared’s excited ’bout somethin’.

  “What’s up?” I ask him.

  “Next week’s spring break,” he blurts out, all in a rush. ’Course that doesn’t matter to anybody but him. He’s a teacher, so it means he gets the week off.

  “And?” I say, ’cause there’s obviously more.

  “I think we should go to Vegas.”

  “Next week?” Zach asks.

  “Yeah! I found a great deal on rooms, and if we drive instead of flying, it won’t cost us much at all. It’s only about twelve hours if the weather’s good, and between the four of us we could easily drive straight through.”

  “I’d have to close the store,” Zach says.

  Jared’s smile gets bigger. “No, you wouldn’t. We can leave early Monday morning and be home by Thursday night.” That means Zach and I won’t miss any of the nights when we’re actually showin’ movies in the back half of the store. “And during the week, we got that covered. We—”

  Matt suddenly smacks him on the back of the head. Jared looks a little sheepish, but goes on, “I already talked to Lizzy and the moms. They said they would take care of everything.”

  When we were in Denver, Zach and I covered the store ourselves.

  But now that we show movies on weekend nights, too, it’s turned into a lotta hours for two people. We have part-time employees who help on the weekends, during the shows, but it still makes for a hella-long week. So a couple months ago, Lizzy volunteered to help. She decided she might like to work a few hours a week, just to get away from doin’ the mom thing all day, every day, and ’course Zach let her. But for some reason, after that Jared’s mom Susan decided she’d like to help out too. And then Lucy, Matt’s mom, decided to come along and keep Susan company.

  None of ’em have regular hours—they just show up whenever it suits ’em. I think they like bein’ able to hang out and gossip with whoever comes in the store. Zach tries to pay ’em, but only Lizzy ever bothers to clock in or out. Truthfully, it’s sort of a ridiculous setup, and at first I hated havin’ ’em ’round. Lizzy talks too much, and the moms just make me nervous. But it saves Zach money, and it gives us both a break from the store now and then.

  Jared’s still sittin’ there, with a grin from ear to ear, waitin’ for an answer. Matt’s obviously amused more by Jared’s enthusiasm than by the idea of Vegas, but I know he’ll do whatever Jared wants in the end. Zach’s thinkin’ ’bout it, but I can’t tell if he really wants to go or not.

  And me? I feel like a kid who just found out Santa’s comin’ twice this year. I’m so excited, I can barely hold still. I never been to Vegas.

  Never been anywhere, actually, ’cept when I was in third grade and my foster family took me with ’em to Yellowstone. Other than that, I never even been out of Colorado. Jared could’ve said he wanted to drive to Kansas to sit in the middle of a fuckin’ cornfield, and I would’ve been game. Still, I hate to look like a wide-eyed kid, so I’m doin’ my best to play it cool and act like it’s no big deal.

  “I guess maybe we could go,” Zach says, but he sounds skeptical.

  Then he turns and looks at me. Guess my poker face isn’t as good as I think it is ’cause as soon as his eyes meet mine, he smiles, and then he says to Jared, “We’re in.”

  We leave on Monday morning at five o’clock. Zach and Jared are both grumpy and complainin’ ’bout it bein’ too early. Matt and I ignore ’em. We stick ’em in the back seat of Jared’s Bronco and they’re both asleep again before Matt and I even finish our first cup of coffee.

  Matt and I end up doin’ most of the drivin’. I take the first leg. He takes over next. Zach and Jared wake up, and one of ’em pulls out a game of travel rummy.

  “Watch out, Zach,” Matt says, glancin’ back at them in the rearview mirror. “Jared cheats.” I laugh, ’cause Jared seems like such a fuckin’ Boy Scout. I’m sure Matt’s jokin’. But then he looks right at me and says, “I’m serious. He cheats.” Jared throws the cap of his Dr Pepper at him and actually hits him for once. �
��Hey! Don’t mess with the driver!” Matt snaps.

  “You want to end up in the ditch?” And I think he’s halfway serious ’bout that, too, and now I’m really laughin’.

  “Honestly,” Jared says innocently, “Matt caught me cheating one time, and he’s never let me live it down.”

  “Are you saying you only cheated one time?”

  “I said you only caught me one time.”

  “See?” Matt says triumphantly. “You can’t trust him.”

  “What’s that?” I ask. “The lesson of the day?”

  “Sure is,” Jared says. “Brought to you by the letter C.”

  “C for ‘cheater’?” Matt asks.

  “C for ‘clever’.”

  Eventually we switch off, and Matt and I get in the back seat. He leans back and goes to sleep in ’bout five seconds flat. He can always do that. I think they teach it in cop school. I can’t sleep. Not that there’s much to see, but every bit of it’s new to me. I feel like if I close my eyes, I’ll miss somethin’.

  We get to Vegas, and it’s a good thing I’m not drivin’ ’cause we’d definitely end up in an accident. I know my eyes are ’bout to pop out of my head. I’m tryin’ to stare everywhere at once. We find our hotel and wait our turn at the check-in desk. “I have you down for two rooms, each with one king bed. Is that correct?” the lady asks us, not even battin’ an eye at the fact that she’s sayin’ that to four guys.

  “Yes,” Jared says.

  “No,” Zach says. Matt and Jared’s heads both whip in his direction in surprise. I look the other way so they can’t see me blushin’. But Zach doesn’t blush at all. He just says, “We need two beds in our room.”

  Our rooms are on the same floor but not exactly close to each other.

  We take our bags up then meet back downstairs.

  “Dinner first,” Jared says. “What should we do after that?”

  “It doesn’t matter to me,” Zach says. “Whatever Angelo wants to do.”