Paris a to Z Read online

  Technology had failed me. We could put a man on the moon and make computers that fit in my back pocket, but I still couldnt strangle anybody via telephone. Life really was a bitch.

  “WE CAN'T not go,” Jared said to me later that morning as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Once he had gotten over being pissed at me for not waking him up. “Coles my oldest friend in the world—” “I know!”

  “And its a free trip to Paris! How can we turn that down?”

  “I dont want anything from him!”

  “Matt,” he said, smiling indulgently at me, and the tone of his voice was the same tone Lizzy used with little James when he was throwing a fit on the floor. The tone that said, “Lets all be reasonable now.” Shit. How was it that Cole could cause me this much trouble when he wasnt even in the same goddamn country? “This isnt about Cole and me. This is about Cole and Jon.”

  “I dont like Jon any more than I like Cole! I hope the two of them spend the rest of their lives making each other miserable!”

  “Matt, dont be an ass—”

  “Why should I have to go?”

  He put his coffee down and looked down at the floor. Whether he was angry or annoyed or disappointed, I wasnt sure, but when he looked up, there was no smile on his face. That in itself was significant. Jared smiled at everything. He sighed and came to stand in front of me. He looked up at me, and his blue eyes met mine.

  I knew right then I was going to lose.

  “You know I love you,” he said quietly.

  “Yes.” I never doubted that.

  “You know I never loved him. Not like this.”

  I knew that, too, when I thought about it rationally rather than letting my emotions take over. “That has nothing to do with it,” I said defensively.

  “Doesnt it?”

  Shit. He knew me so well. He didnt even bother to wait for me to answer.

  “Cole was happy for us, Matt. Is it too much to ask for you to do the same for him?”

  He was right. Of course he was right. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on being reasonable. Making him choose between Cole and me was childish—he had already made the choice, years before. I needed to stop making this about Cole and start making it about Jared. This was what he wanted, and who could blame him? A free trip to Paris to help celebrate the marriage of a friend he had known for nearly fifteen years— it was something only a fool would turn down. It would be selfish of me to keep him from it.

  I also had Zach and Angelo to consider. I knew they would never be able to afford a vacation like this on their own. I also knew that Ang would be absolutely ecstatic. Zach probably less so, understandably, but hed do anything to make Angelo happy.

  It wasnt as if I had to go. They could go without me. But did I really want to stay home alone out of spite while my partner and my best friend went to Paris?

  Definitely not.

  I made myself let go of the jealousy that gripped me every time I thought of Cole. I knew it wouldnt last, but for the moment, it was enough. I opened my eyes again and looked down at Jareds hopeful face. Jesus, I loved him so much. It was foolish of me to ever think that I could deny him anything. “Okay,” I said, and he smiled. “Ill go.”

  “Itll be fun, Matt,” he said. “Youll see.”

  I wished that I could believe him.

  Zach…

  I SLEPT in late the following Sunday morning, as usual. Angelo and I had Sundays off, and I often let myself skip my morning run on Sundays as well. It was almost ten when I dragged myself out of bed. Angelo had been up for hours of course, but he wasnt in the living room. Our computer was set up in what was supposed to be the dining room, and I had to pass through it on my way to the kitchen to get my morning cup of coffee. Angelo was at the desk, and as soon as I rounded the corner, he closed the browser, looking up at me with guilty embarrassment.

  “Whats up?” I asked him.

  “Nothin,” he said, but he wouldnt look at me when he said it. “It didnt look like „nothing.”

  “Well, it was,” he said, getting up and pushing past me. His obvious lie made me curious. Looking at porn was the obvious

  answer, but I didnt think he would have felt the need to hide that from me. And yet, I honestly couldnt think of anything else. I caught his hand so that he stopped and turned around to face me. “Everything all right?” I asked.

  This time he met my eyes, smiling. “Course, Zach,” he said. His smile turned flirtatious, and he tugged on my hand. “Come take a shower with me and Ill prove it.”

  Who was I to argue?

  ON MONDAYS, Angelo worked the store alone. On Tuesdays, I did. The arrangement gave us each a break from the store, and a break from each other, once a week. It helped keep the peace both at work and at home.

  He had just left for the day on Monday when Jared called to tell me that Jon and Cole were getting married, and that we were all invited to Paris for the wedding. He said Cole had called the day before, but the message hed received through Matt wasnt very helpful, and hed wanted to confirm everything with Cole before calling Angelo and me.

  I had mixed feelings about the news. On one hand, Jonathan was a part of my past, and I hated to be reminded of him at all. I was annoyed that he was intruding on my new life by inviting me to watch him marry somebody else. Was I jealous that Cole was getting what I had wanted so long ago? Maybe a tiny bit. But more than anything, I was jealous that they were getting what I wanted with Angelo. Angelo and I had been a couple far longer than they had. It seemed unfair that they got to take this step before we did. I wondered if it would ever be our turn.

  “I didnt realize their relationship was serious,” I said to Jared. “That was a year and a half ago.” Which was true. It had been a few months after our return from Vegas when Jared told me Jon and Cole were seeing each other, and I had snapped at him that I didnt give a shit and didnt want to hear any more about it. He had apparently taken me at my word.

  “It doesnt matter anyway,” I said. “We cant afford to go to Paris, even if he does pay the airfare.”

  “You dont understand,” Jared said. “Hes paying for the whole thing—airfare, hotel, expenses. About the only thing well have to pay for is parking at the airport while were gone.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Hes loaded,” Jared said. “I think he has more money than God.”

  It was too much to take in. Id never even spoken to Cole. My sole interaction with him had been watching him lead my boyfriend into the bedroom two years before. And Jonathan? Hed made it very clear when we ran into him in Vegas that he wanted me back. It had surprised me, the way he seemed to remember our relationship with fondness. I remembered the bad more than the good. I suspected neither of us remembered it accurately.

  “I understand why he invited you and Matt, but why us?”

  “I asked him that, too, and I think its basically because they dont have anybody else. He said somebody named George would be there—”

  “Thats Jons father,” I said, wondering why they hadnt mentioned his mother, Carol. There was certainly no love lost between George and I. I didnt want to see him any more than I wanted to see Jon.

  “Other than him, itll just be us.”

  Fucking fabulous. That made it even worse. If it had been a big wedding, I could legitimately have dodged Jon and his father for most of the trip. But if it was really going to be just the six of us, plus George, Id have no way of avoiding them.

  “Zach?” Jared asked, and I realized Id been silent far too long. “You guys are coming, right?”

  It seemed insane to turn down a free trip to Paris, but I had no desire whatsoever to go. It had been bad enough seeing Jon in Vegas. I couldnt think of any good reason to intentionally subject myself to that a second time. I would have been perfectly happy to never see him again. Instead Id be flying halfway around the world just to watch him marry another man? A man who Id let fuck Angelo?

  I wondered if Jon knew about that. He and Ang had parted o
n friendly terms, but I had a feeling Jon wouldnt be amused if he found out what had occurred between my boyfriend and his soon-to-be husband.

  And then there was Matt and Jared. Matt could barely stand to be in the same room as Cole, and he didnt exactly like Jonathan either. Between Matts jealousy and Angelos temper, wed be lucky to get through the trip without anybody being punched. And the chances of it being one of the grooms on the receiving end were astronomically high. Any way you looked at it, it was a terrible idea, and I opened my mouth to say so.

  But then I thought of Angelo.

  Angelo, who until me hadnt even been out of Colorado except for once as a child when his foster family took him to Yellowstone. In the last two years wed been to Vegas, and Oregon, and to Chicago to meet my family (a trip that wasnt nearly as enjoyable for him as it should have been because he was so damn nervous the entire time). If we were lucky, wed be able to afford a road trip this year—maybe to the Grand Canyon or Lake McConaughy. If we saved for a couple of years, we might be able to go to New York or Florida. But we would never, ever be able to afford Paris.

  I didnt even need to ask him. I knew he would want to go. And I had never been able to deny him anything.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Were going.”

  But I couldnt shake the feeling that Id end up regretting it.

  I MAYnot have been thrilled about having to face Jon again, but once Id decided we were going, I was childishly excited about getting to tell Angelo.

  I was making dinner when he came home. It was snowing outside, and he was still shaking the snowflakes out of his thick black hair when he walked into the kitchen.

  “Hey,” I said as he pulled a bottle of Dr Pepper out of the fridge. “Did you know Jon and Cole have been seeing each other?”

  He closed the refrigerator and turned to regard me with a wary expression. “Matt told me.”

  “Theyre getting married.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me through his hair. “So what?”

  “You dont find that interesting?”

  “No. Why should I?”

  I didnt believe him. It wasnt that he didnt care. It was that he was annoyed that I might.

  “Weve been invited to the wedding.”

  That actually elicited a scowl, and I had to turn away so he couldnt see what a hard time I was having keeping a straight face. “You sayin you want to go?”

  “Dont you?”

  “Hell no!”

  “Okay,” I said. “Ill tell Matt and Jared that they can go to Paris without us.”

  The only response was a stunned silence, and I finally turned to smile at him. “Do you want to reconsider?” I asked.

  “The weddings in Paris?”

  “Yep.”

  His dark eyes were huge, and I could see so much in them. He was excited, almost giddy. I could see it bubbling up in him, but he was trying to stay calm and not get his hopes up. “Can we afford Paris?”

  “No,” I said, “but it doesnt matter. Coles footing the bill.”

  He grabbed my shirt and pushed me back against the countertop, almost as if he was going to kiss me, but he stopped short, looking into my eyes. “Are you serious?”

  “Would I lie about something like this?”

  “No.”

  “Do you think Id make it up just to tease you?”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  He backed up a step. “Yes what?” he asked.

  I could hardly keep from laughing that Id finally managed to turn the tables on him with his own backward form of communication. “Yes,” I said, “Im absolutely serious. Cole offered to fly us all to Paris.”

  “Oh my God!” But then he stopped himself. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and when he opened them again, he had his excitement contained, bottled up inside while he tried to be rational. He stepped closer to me again and looked up into my eyes.

  “You want to see Jon again?”

  “No,” I said, and I could tell it was the answer he was expecting.

  “Youd rather not go.”

  “If it were just me, then yes, but for you, I will.”

  His enthusiasm was starting to leak through again, but he kept it in check. “Well be okay, right?” he asked. “You and me? Seein him again wont hurt us, right?”

  “Seeing Jon cant change the way I feel about you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I took his hand and turned it over to kiss his palm. “Im positive.”

  His expression was so full of hope, I thought it was a good thing I hadnt tried to say no. He put his hand against my cheek and looked into my eyes. “Tell me what you want to do.”

  All I had to do was tell him the truth. I brushed his hair out of his eyes and said, “I want to do whatever will make you happy.”

  He smiled at me, the huge, excited smile of a child who woke up from his nap to find himself at Disneyland. “I want to see Paris.”

  “Okay,” I said as I leaned down to kiss him. “Then you will.”

  THE eight weeks leading up to the trip passed quickly. We had to scramble to get our passports, and when they finally came, Angelo looked at his with a mixture of awe and excitement that made me glad Id agreed to go. Even if it meant facing Jon.

  We went to Boulder the week before Christmas because I hadnt yet purchased a single gift. Angelo had already done most of his shopping online, so he spent the entire afternoon in a used book store while I shopped. He emerged at the end of the day with a plastic grocery bag stuffed full.

  “Look what I bought,” he said to me as we were driving home. He held out a book for me to see. It had a ridiculously outdated black cover. The title, which was printed in hot pink and neon orange bubble letters, said, Paris A to Z.

  “Is that a guidebook?”

  “Yeah. I found it in the travel section,” he said, and I thought it was funny that he was apparently quite proud of it.

  “How old is it?”

  He checked the copyright date, and grinned over at me. “Really old,

  Zach. Came out the same year you were born.”

  “Smartass.”

  “You asked.”

  “What goods that going to be?” I asked. “Shouldnt you buy a new

  one?”

  “What, you think they moved the Eiffel Tower since then or

  somethin? Maybe the Louvre went outta business?”

  I still thought it was silly to rely on such an old book, but I didnt

  want to do anything to dampen his enthusiasm.

  Over the next few weeks, that outdated guidebook became his bible.

  He studied it intently, marking pages and memorizing sections, almost as

  if he expected to be quizzed on it later. He read descriptions to me of at least a dozen churches.

  “Which one do you want to see most?” he asked.

  The truth was, I couldnt have cared less. “Whichever one you want to see most,” I told him. And that was the truth.

  Matts birthday was in January, and he received the best present he could have asked for—an AFC Championship for his Kansas City Chiefs. His excitement was tainted though by the fact that Jon and Coles wedding was scheduled for the same day as the Super Bowl. Wed be leaving on the Tuesday before it, and coming home the following Wednesday, with the ceremony taking place on Super Bowl Sunday.

  “You mean my team finally makes it through the playoffs, and Im going to miss the damn Super Bowl?” Matt asked in outrage.

  Jared wasnt very sympathetic. Had it been the Broncos going to the Super Bowl, I knew he would have been just as upset. But since it was Matts team, Jared seemed to delight in being glib over Matts misery. “Im sure you can find a place to watch it,” he said.

  “In Paris?”

  “Well record it and watch it when we get home,” Jared suggested, and then laughed when Matt stormed out of the room without answering him.

  For myself, the weeks were full of uncertainty. I felt as if I was carrying
an extra weight around inside my chest, and it seemed to get heavier every time I thought of having to face Jon.

  I didnt want to see him again. That was what it all boiled down to.

  My relationship with Jon had started out as many relationships do, in a state of sheer happiness. We were in college. We were each others strength when we came out to our families. We adored each other. We supported each other. It had been perfect.

  But after graduation, everything changed. We moved to Arvada together, and adopted Geisha. We talked about marriage and a honeymoon trip to tour the Sonoma vineyards. I found the job at A to Z, and settled into what I thought would be a fun year for us.

  It wasnt.

  Although he never said it out loud, I knew Jon felt his homosexuality made him a disappointment to his parents, and he seemed to believe he could make up for it by throwing himself into his career. That would have been fine, if only he could have accepted that I had no desire to do the same. I knew from day one that he hated me working at the video store. He wanted me to do more. To be more. As the weeks turned into months, it became increasingly clear that our goals were different. And more importantly, my lack of goals embarrassed him. He was ashamed of me.

  It had been unbelievably painful to realize that Id never be good enough for him. It made me angry and resentful, but I was stupidly passive-aggressive, and rather than confront him with it, Id embarked on a self-destructive quest to prove to him that Id never be the man he wanted me to be. He had hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him in return. Id been downright cruel in my need to drive him away.

  Seeing him in Vegas had been a shock. I was pretty sure Angelo had no idea how hard it had been for me. What had surfaced wasnt just anger because hed hurt me. It wasnt just pain because Id lost him. What I felt, more than anything, was guilt because I knew Id broken his heart. And the worst part was, Id done it on purpose.

  I hadnt been able to express any of that in Vegas. My sole concern in Vegas had been Angelo. Wed only been together for a few short months, and he was still so unsure, and so fragile. A quick fuck with Cole hadnt been a threat to us, but having to face my ex definitely was. Angelo had been extremely jealous of my past to begin with. Having to face it head-on was almost more than he could handle. So Id buried my pain, and my guilt, and instead Id latched on to my anger. Jons condescension toward Angelo, and his assumption that he was somehow the better of them had only helped fuel my rage, and I reveled in it, brandishing it, using it as both a shield and a sword in an attempt to prevent Jonathan from ruining the fragile life I was trying to build with Angelo. And it had worked.